My life was filled with dead-end relationships. Seemed every guy I dated had problems with drugs or alcohol. A little voice inside me always told me my bulimia was no different and was probably what attracted these addicts to my life, but I never listened. It was easier just to leave the relationship than to leave my bulimic lifestyle of 25 years. 

    I was 41 when I met my husband, Rielly. He is Native American and alcoholism has done incredible damage to his race. Rielly was no exception. When I met Rielly it was like nothing I had ever experienced before in my life. I was so taken by him. He wasn’t my type, and 15 years younger than me, but I had no control. I was so in love with him. I knew the Lord had put a spell on me. 

    Yet, the first time I saw Rielly drunk, I was horrified. I knew he had had too much to drink and was going to die. But he just laughed at me. The next day I told him I understood why he drank the way he did, because that’s the way I eat. With bulimia, I starve myself, then eat and eat everything in sight. Rielly just laughed at my reasoning. 

    We got married, even though my eating habit never changed and neither did Rielly’s drinking. One year later I told him it was his drinking or me. He said, “See ya,” and walked out of the door. I divorced him. 

    From the day he walked out of to the next time we saw each other was 13 months. Those were the worst 13 months of my life. I was in hell. Inside, I knew this was not about his drinking; it was about my eating. I knew if I could beat my eating disorder, he could beat his drinking. But I couldn’t do it and it was easier just to blame this failed relationship on him than to take responsibility. 

    I was an Administrative Assistant for an insurance company that went under, leaving me unemployed. While I was searching through the newspaper for work, I came across an ad:“Free help for people with bulimia.” Everything happens for a reason. It was the biggest struggle of my life, but I knew it was my only hope. Bulimia is a vicious cycle of starvation, eating then purging. But I could safely eat fruits and salads without having to throw up and I reluctantly listened to my doctor and hid cheese in my salads to break the starvation. 

    I did it. I broke the cycle. I would eat and not throw up. I knew my Rielly would come back to me... but he didn’t. It was five months later before, out of nowhere, there he was standing right in front of me. I looked at him and said, “Well, are you ready to get help?” He looked me right in the eyes and said, “Yes, I am.” We made a date to talk later that day and I walked away nonchalantly as if I didn’t care. But the moment I was out of his sight, I broke down and bawled. The weight of the world had just been lifted off my shoulders. 

    I went through alcoholism treatment with Rielly. That was six years ago. It seems like yesterday, yet at the same time it seems like those days never were. Alcohol and bulimia have no part of our lives today.
We may have saved each other, but as far as I can see, Rielly saved me. I couldn’t have overcome my addiction without him. 

    我這一生真是棘手，總是遭遇極端的麻煩。似乎我約會過的男人要么吸毒、要么酗酒。我心里告誡自己，自己的暴食癥也是一樣糟糕，也就是因為這個病，才使我招引這些癮君子。但我從不承認這是事實。我干脆和癮君子們劃清界限，這比擺脫25年的暴食癥容易得多。 

    我41歲時遇到現在的丈夫里利。他是土著印第安人，這個種族遭受著酗酒帶來的巨大傷害。里利也不例外。遇到里利后，我有一種前所未有的體會和感覺。我完全被他迷住了。盡管他不是我喜歡的類型，還比我小15歲，但我完全控制不了自己。我深深地愛上了他，我只能說這是上帝給我下的一個魔咒。 

    然而,第一次見到里利喝醉時,我嚇壞了。我覺得他喝得實在太多，可能會死去。他卻笑我幼稚。第二天我告訴他我已經知道他為何那么貪杯了——和我貪吃是一樣的道理。患了暴食癥以后，我先是無意進食，然后暴飲暴食，將視線所及之物一律風卷殘云般的消滅掉。里利對我的推理只是一笑置之。 

    盡管我們的生活習慣都沒有改觀，我依舊暴飲暴食，里利還是酗酒成性，最終我們還是結婚了。一年后，我逼他做出選擇：要么選我，要么選酗酒。他說道：“再見吧”，然后就走出了家門。我和他離婚了。 

    從分手到再次見面是13個月后了，那是我生命中最糟糕的13個月，簡直就是煉獄。我心里明白，分手其實是因為我得暴食癥，而不是因為他酗酒。我也知道如果我能戰勝紊亂的進食習慣，他就可以改掉酗酒的惡習。但我做不到，將感情的失敗歸咎于他，這可比自己承擔責任容易多了。 

    我之前是一家保險公司的行政助理，后來公司倒閉了，我就失業了。在報紙上尋找工作機會時，偶然看到了一則廣告：“為暴食癥患者提供免費幫助。”事出必有因。我經歷了一生中最大的思想斗爭，但我明白這是我唯一的機會了。暴食癥是進食紊亂的惡性循環，開始是暴食，然后是排泄。但吃些水果或沙拉卻無妨，不會嘔吐。于是我遲疑地接受了醫生的建議，將奶酪卷在沙拉里吃，以此打破惡性循環。 

    我成功了！我戰勝了暴食癥。我能吃東西了，而且吃后不再嘔吐了。我深信里利一定會回到我身邊的……但他沒有。5個月后，他出現在了我的面前。我打量了他一下，問道：“喂，需要幫助嗎？”他直視著我的眼睛說道：“是的，我準備好了。”那天我們約好晚些時候再談一談，然后我不露聲色、冷漠地走開了，裝出一副不在乎的樣子。淡出他的視線后，我一下子崩潰了，失聲喊叫。我終于卸掉了肩頭重擔！ 

    我和里利一起，肩并肩，終于挺過了酗酒治療。那是6年前的事了。但往事歷歷在目、恍如昨日。有時候我又覺得那些事是如此之遙遠，好像從來沒有發生過。酗酒的惡習和暴食癥與我們再也沒有任何關系了。

    整個過程中，可能是我們相互將對方從怪圈中拯救了出來，但就我看來，是里利救了我。沒有他我是無論如何也戒不掉暴食癥的。因為愛，我們的信念無比堅定，最終戰勝了彼此身上的惡性循環。