You’re better off alone! Don’t get stuck in a ‘make up/break up’ pattern

    The beginning of summer is always ripe with barbecues, graduations and weddings. Although these get-togethers often happily reunite us with family and friends, they also tend to unhappily reunite us with our exes of yesteryear. Indeed, even with all we have learned from painful breakups, some of us simply cannot resist the temptation of reconnecting with an old flame. And when that old flame is front row and center at a mutual friend’s wedding, the temptation becomes even more irresistible.

    If this pattern of “making up and breaking up” sounds familiar to you, you might be part of a revolving-door relationship. Much like a revolving door, your relationship with your ex is never stagnant — he is always on the way into your heart or on the way out.

    Your family and friends have heard the many dramas of your relationship with your ex more times than they would like to count, and although you know you sound like a broken record, something always pulls you back into the relationship. The revolving door whooshes again, and you are back in the middle of the broken (and breaking) relationship.

    How can you stop this pattern once and for all, especially in the middle of summer social activities?

    Change your pattern. When relationships get stuck in a revolving rut, it is generally because our lives are stuck in a revolving rut. By changing your routine, you can change your point of view and end a make-up and break-up cycle. How can you do this? Explore different activities, go to new restaurants, spend time with old friends, or even go on a much-needed vacation. Figure out what is keeping your life in stalemate (chances are that it isn’t just your relationship) and then make a change.

    Figure out why you are relying on a broken relationship. You know that your ex isn’t good for you, and you know that you aren’t good for your ex. So why do you keep returning to each other? Don’t fool yourself into thinking that love alone is driving your revolving door, as there are generally a myriad of different emotions driving your decision process. Figuring out these emotions and deciphering what is truly driving you to be in a broken relationship will help you stop the destructive pattern.

    Sit down and write down the emotions that come to your mind when you think about breaking up with your ex for good. Whether you are jealous at the thought of seeing your ex with someone new, nostalgic at the thought of losing a close friend, or terrified at the thought of being alone and dating again, you might be surprised to discover that your list isn’t built upon love alone. Of course, all of the above emotions are valid and sincere emotions — but that doesn’t mean that you can build a loving, lasting relationship upon them.

    Talk about it with a professional. Breakups are often seen as something most people can make it through on their own. However, most people tend to assuage their broken hearts through self-medicating with destructive behaviors like drinking, one-night stands, angry late-night phone calls to their ex, etc. Losing someone you love through a breakup or a divorce is heartbreaking, and trying to go it alone can be overwhelming. This is why so many people get stuck in a revolving-door cycle, as being alone can be so painful that people would rather be in a bad relationship. A counselor can help you make smarter choices, and give you what you need the most: an unbiased listener.

    Finally, it might be helpful to keep two lists on hand with you at all times — one list to remind you why the relationship can’t work (he doesn’t want kids, you don’t share similar life goals, etc.), and one list to remind you why you are content and complete as you are (you love the freedom to meet new people, you have a wonderful network of friends and family, etc.).

    Rely on this network as you go through this difficult time, and allow yourself the freedom to be sad, mad, lonely and so on. As the emotions move through you, they will slowly lose their potency, and you will be ready to say goodbye to your ex and move on to a happy, healthy new relationship.

    你一個人更好！不要陷入“復合/分手”的死循環

    每年初夏都塞滿了野餐燒烤、畢業典禮和婚禮。雖然這些聚會總是將我們和家人朋友快樂地召集在一起，也可能把那些昔日舊愛帶到面前。事實上，即使我們已經從痛苦的分手中學到了很多，我們中的一些人就是很難抵抗和舊愛鴛夢重溫的誘惑。尤其是當老情人出現在共同好友的婚禮上，這種誘惑更加難以抗拒。

    如果你很熟悉這種“復合/分手”的模式，你可能陷入了“旋轉門”關系。就像旋轉門一樣，你和老情人的關系從來沒有停歇——他總是在你心門前徘徊不去。

    你的家人和朋友早已經聽了無數次你和老情人之前的分分和和，盡管你知道自己聽起來下定決心，但總有些事情把你拉回這段關系中。旋轉門又啟動了，把你拽會一段破碎（或即將破碎）的關系當中。

    你怎樣才能一勞永逸地打破這種僵局，尤其是在盛夏數不勝數的社交活動聚會當中保持冷靜呢？

    改變你的模式。當一段感情困在旋轉門里，一般是因為我們的生活困在旋轉門里。通過改變你的生活習慣，你可以改變你的視角，結束復合-分手的循環。你怎樣才能做到？探索不同的活動，去新的餐館，和老朋友聚會，甚至進行一次期待已久的旅行。找出那些讓你生活一成不變的因素（不僅僅是你的感情生活），然后作出改變。

    找出為什么依賴一段破碎關系的原因。你知道你的舊情人并不合適自己，你也不適合他。那你們為什么總會走回到一起？不要騙自己去想什么愛情的力量是推動旋轉門的唯一動力，因為你的決定往往受到無數情緒的驅動。理清這些情緒，分辨出哪種情緒是真正讓你找回破碎關系的元兇。這可以幫助你停止這種破壞性的模式。

    當你想到和舊情人分手，腦海里會出現哪些想法？寫下這些想法會有所幫助。是當你看到舊情人和別人在一起時感到嫉妒，還是舍不得失去一個親密好友，或是害怕寂寞或恐懼再一次開始約會？你可能會很驚訝的發現你的清單上不單單只有愛情。當然，所有這些情緒都是很鮮活而且真誠的——但這并不意味著你可以基于這些情緒建立一段相愛、持久的關系。

    和一位專業人員談談這件事情。分手經常被認為是一件大多數人能夠自己克服的事情。不過，大多數人通過如喝酒、一夜情、給舊情人打騷擾電話等破壞性的行為來自我麻醉，來緩解傷心。因為分手或者離婚失去你愛的人讓人心碎，自己掙扎著解脫并不是所有人能承受得起。這就是為什么很多人被困在旋轉門中，因為一個人實在太過痛苦，還不如在一段爛關系中。咨詢師可以幫助你作出更明智的決定，并給你最需要的：一個不帶偏見的傾聽者。

    最后，隨時看看這樣兩個清單可能有用——一個清單提醒你為什么這段感情行不通（他不想要小孩，你們沒有相同的人生目標等），另外一個清單提醒你現在的自己有多安心、多完整（你喜歡能自由地遇見新的人，你和家人朋友關系很棒等）。

    依靠著這些關系，你可以走過難關，給自己自己傷心、發瘋、孤單的自由。那你經歷這些情緒的時候，他們的力量會慢慢減弱，你就可以和舊愛說再見，迎接一段幸福、健康的新感情。